we're all mad here

lost a little weight

but these migraines/sinus pain & pressure are really killing me. according to the doctors scales I've lost 4 pounds in the last month. nothing to brag about but at least it's something. my shrink upped my antianxiety meds from .5mg 2x a day to 1mg 3x a day so my main goal right now is just staying conscious. I'm also taking Topamax 100mg 3x a day instaed of 200mg at bedtime to try to help with the headavhes. In a few minutes I will be doing some ab and back stregtheners and yoga, and maybe some gentle lowimpact aeobic nothing to strenous. still having trouble eating which is the only thing keeping me from gaing weight.I go see a neurologist at the end of June and hopefyully he can figure out the causes of these never ending head pains.trying really hard not to get overly discouraged about my weight and fat but it's getting harder. I miss being a normal weight and it is depresing.
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    frustrated frustrated
we're all mad here

yet another set back, trying to stay positive

well, on thursday I sqeaked out of going to the ER again. Massive Migraine (26th day of migraines in a row). I was an extremely rough one. I had an appoint with my dr, who refused to give me migraine medication about 2 months ago and ago 2 weeks earlier. she freaked out when  she saw me and immediatley prescribed me imitrex and a stronger antibiotic (so far I've been on amocillin, z-pack, and now this stuff for a weirdly sever sinus infection). she gave me 2 shots of tordal in my ass and wanted me to go to get a head CT to make sure my brain and sinuses weren't in danger. after 20 minutes of arguing she finally let me go, the imitres hs kept the migraines at bay the last 2 days but my sinuses are still killing me. So exercising has been non-existant and my diet less than steller. I fiigure if i"m stillgetting a migraine a day by wed I'll go back to see her and "reassses " the situation. I would just like to go 1 fucking month without seeing the inside of a hospital.

the thing is my weight and lack of any tone is REALLY getting to me. like seriously, to the point were I've been purging again which i know is not good especialy with ethe gastritis and stomach lining issues. It's just anytime I feel slightly full nd have the oppurtunity to do it. yesterday was bad, 4 times. I don't want to fall back into this. today i haven"t done it at all, which required more effort than i thought it would. I'm hoping it was just a litle phase and I'm dine with it.
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    confused confused
cat and mouse

today seems to be going better pain wise

 emotionally I'm a bit of a wreck. too many thoughts that i just don't feel like caring about. The worst part of gastritis is I HAVE to eat or I get violently sick (horrible shaking, nausea, twitching, fatique, headaches, and vomiting). so I'm trying to eat as little as possible. Today or tomorrow I'm going to attempt yoga, nothing to strenuous, aftr sitting on  my fat ass for over 2 months in recovery I need to ease into exercise unfortunately My weight is driving me crazy, plus I'm so out of shape it's all fat.Especially my abs where they made the 4 ugly incisions. so here's the deal:

1) keep track of everything I eat on fitday (I customize almost all my foods so I know they're right)
2) drink lots of green tea (supposed to boost your metabolism)
3) do 45 min of yoga (strength and stretcing) and my physical therapy for my back and abs
4) do 8-10reps of lunges, squats, wall push-ups, and tricep dips to start getting some strenth back
5) add cardio when I'm ready(hopefully in a week or two, even 15-30 min would make me happy.
6) eat lowcal, lowfat (I have to b/c of the surgery) and moderate protein foods.
7) DO NOT PIG OUT AT BF'S HOUSE (that's a biggie)
8) cut down on cigs (I was at 1 ans 1/2 to 2 packs a day as  of last week, I've managed to cut down to 19 cigs a day. I can't wear the patch b/c it makes me nausous and the gum sends my gastritis through the rough so I have to do this all on my own.)
so yeah, that's a long enough post. I feel better so i feel like i should start making changes.. 
we're all mad here

Still alive if anyone is still around

 basically on March 9 (the day before my b-day i went o the emergency room with horrific stomach pain (like crying, moaning totally unlike me). turned out I had gallstones. They sent me home with painkillers and an appointment to see someone in a week. My birthday was excruciating painful. on the 11th I was back in the ER with even worse pain (lots of morphine and fentanyl) which did nothing to help. They did emergency gall bladder surgery, was supposed to take 40min I got out in an hour and a half. Complications of massive amounts of scar tissue everywhere from my lat abdominal surgery. very sore afterwards.

More pains on right side and under ribcage. pain in middle of ribcage. another fucking trip to the ER. "Nothings wrong with you. Take more painkillers". a week later the final  trip to the ER.

I get there in pain and kind of out of it. They give me the usual pain meds then freak when they get the results of my electrolytes back and I am admitted beyond fast. My magnesium and sodium have bottom out and I'm a seconds away from a possible seizure. once that's somewhat stabilized (and my bitchiness over no nicotine calms down-the patches don't do shit for me). they take me for an endoscope of my esophagus and stomach and for a gut wrenching coloscopmy (camera up every part of your ass and large intestine. Turns out I have severe gastritis, meaning that my stomach lining is being eroded by acid, but no ulcers. asshole and above appear ot be normal I have have pics of everything.
So they sent me home (in addition to my regular assortment of pills), prilosec 40mg (prescription only) and percocet, plus a diet in which I have to give up everything I love (namely COFFEE). 
Then 3 days later I get hit with the worst sinus infection of my life triggering godd awfull migraines. I have been in the dark for 2 weeks, only venturing out to force myself to choke down food so I can take my pills and drink massive amounts of tea. (and I gave up the coffeee slowly so I doubt it's withdrawl.). I already had an appointment with my new regular doctor (who has not been working out so well). she prescribed be amoxixillin for the sinus infection. after 5 more days of intense sinus pressure and migraines, including the worst on I have ever had and actually considered going to the walk-in clinic to get something for it. I discovered then amoxil is only  given for mild to moderate sinus infections, and the Zithromax, whixh i normally get for bad ones is the strongest. she told em the Z-pack wouldn't work. I hate her so fucking much.
mood wise I've been what you would expect me to be. a little depressed (had to drop my classes due to the gall bladder issue), cranky, irritable, a little pissed etc. but after 2 weeks of migraines, who wouldn't  be.
Sorry this is so long. Please post back and let me know that despite my absence I still have friends in the LJ world!. I've missed you all tons!

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    blah blah
we're all mad here

ARGh! i hate med changes

i was doingso well, then my shrink put me on seroquel XR and betwen that and thanks fucking giving I've gained 5 pounds, in like a week. i know it's probably water weight butit still pisses me off. plus my parents are constantly trying to shove food down m throat and my cat passed away so i really don't feel much like eating. he was 16 and a half and hewas the only thing that made tis place bareable. It happened almost 2 weeks ago and i'm still not anywhere near getting over it. I'm purging again. not constantly but 3 times in the last two weeks, maybe more than 3 times. i don't know. it could be the grief and it's my only way to cope or it could just be me. i'm just so tired of being fat and everyone shoving food at me and me not having the willpower to just say FUCK NO and LEAVE ME ALONE! I had breakfast (~180ccal) and i'm not eating again till my parents force dinner on me, then just a tiny serving of whatever they're having. I have a lot of studying to do but right now i need to exercise like mad. I'm thinking aerobics, power yoga, and elliptical. I'd like to be done by 11:30 so we'll ssee how that goes. just very frustrated.
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    pissed off pissed off
we're all mad here

hate my myself!

gained a TON of weight over my period and am desperately trying to lose it as fast as possible. as of yesterday i was down a pound and a half. hopefully i can lose another pound today. it is absolutely digusting. and i am sick of it. nothing i do seems to work and i feel like i am losing my damn mind over this shit. i hate how easy it is to gain the weight and how fucking hard it is to lose it especially when you have people constantly looking over your shoulder watching and hawking after every bite of food you eat. i miss living alone. so  much easier back then. i could do what i wanted when i wanted and no one was there to tell me no. now all eyes are on me and i'm still ffucking fat. they can worry when i get down to 100 pounds but while i'm still in the 140s they need to back the fuck off.
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    pissed off pissed off
we're all mad here

damn it's been awhile

gained a pound which sucks. but i'm PMSing so i'm pretty sure it's water weight. trying to exercise more but have been having horrible mood swings so those have been taking a toll on me. unfortunetly I've been purging again, but not binging. putting a stop to it though. I cannot go back to that lifestyle. I've noticed that when i do purge it's usually when i'm PMSing so there seems to be a connection. I think i cjust care less about my health at this time and tend to get a litle more obssessed about my weight. i threw up soup one day and an egg sandwhich the next. neither were more than 200cal so it's not like it was going to  cause me to gain a ton of weight. anyway, like i said i'm getting a handle on it now before it spirals. today's going good so far.
B: string cheese (80cal)
L: veggie patty (150)

dinner is a mystery b/c i'll be with my bf and who knows what we;ll be having. I'm going to push for fishon the grill. it's healthy and somewhat lo-cal. plus it shouldn't wreck my diet. I'm also going to buy some shrimp to snack on over the weekend and veggies. The hardest part wil be not drinking and getting some exercise in. it's going to take all my willpower. but i am determined. I just need to up my water intake and drink extra tea today to try to flush out some of this bloat. sometimes i really hate beinga woman.
we're all mad here

oh so tired of this

when i first joined the communities there was a lot more support. not so much anymore. that's why i rarely post. anyways.

busy busy week nd very busy day. aiming for 30min aerobics and 30min yoga. i'm down 15.5 pounds from when i startedand my clothes are hanging off me so i'm pretty happy about that. still aiming for abut 700 cal a day or so. i just don't feel like any of the communities are "communities" anymore. it's like if you aren't 98 pounds you're ignored. but maybe it's just me.
we're all mad here


was absolutely horrible this weekend. gettting real tired of saying that. but tomorrow is a brand new day and im trying very hard not to beat myself up over it but it's really getting to me. i have GOT to go grocery shopping with the bf and buy some fucking healthy food to eat when i'm over there and learnto once and for all say NO to all the crap he buys me without even asking. the only good thing i did do was have tllapia cooked in parchement paper in a foil bag on the grill with very little oil and a ton of no sodium seasoning and some capers, which was healthy and fairly low in calories.. so that my +1 for the weekend of negatives.

going to try to just have a tiny bit of rotissare chicken for dinner (no skin) and tomorrow do some decent dieting (no junk). here;s the eating plan for tomorrow:

B: (b/c of meds i have to eat something somewhat substanial) egg cooked in pam (60cal), 2 slices low-cal bread (70cal), 1 sclice low fat cheese, ~200cal (i don't eat the crust so it's a little lower)

late lunch: veggie patty: 150cal

D: (with bf): not sure no more than 400-500cal if that.

total ~ 950cal

not great but it'll ease me back into dieting. plus i'm exercising 20-30min in the morning and another 20-30min in the afternoon. so that should help things a litle bit. also going to try to exercise at the bf's but not sure if that's going to work. so we'll see. my goal is to exercise in the morning and afternoon everyday this week. we;ll see how it goes. tuesday is out b/c i have to go see my shrink which is basically an all day event. but i should be able to do it the rest of the week. still going to try to exercise once on tuesday though.

feeling down about my stagnent weight loss but trying not to let it get to me or make me give up.

we're all mad here

preocupied as of late


too much to do never enough time. but i'm in a very good mood today despite the lack of scale movement. which is rather suprising!

scheduled my classes for next semester so at least that's done and over with. next week is a brand new (and a bit less busy) week and a time for me to really concentrate on getting my shit together weight-wise and life-wise and school-wise.

Anyway's here's the plan:

1) exercise 30min every morning before classes
2) exercise for a minimum of 1 hour on days i don't have classes
3) schedule 30mi-1 hour of cleaning everyday to everyother day (more if time allows)
4) eat a little less each day
5) drink a LOT more water
6) take meds EXACTLY as prescribed
7) Study for tests and quizzes in advance (less cramming the night and morning before)
8) take less naps if posssible
9) take fish oil and calcium supplements everyday (recently read where both are likely to help in losing weight)
10) cut down on smoking (1 cig at a time)
11) add in yoga and weight training to workouts
12) watch less tv
13) get organized
16) weigh self everyday to everyother day (instead of every 5 minutes lol)
17) try to stress out less (this will be hard)
18) STAY MOTIVATED! i can and will do this!

now i just need to print this out and post it on my door!
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    flirty flirty